On the Good Ship Sick and Wrong
by only-looking
Summary: Kim's back early from a mission. She just wants a nice, quiet, relaxing evening at home. Is she going to get it? What do you think, with a title like this? Not Kigo, not really. And yes, the title is extremely appropriate. Get some brain bleach. Okay, it's not that bad, I promise. Unless you're Kim.


**On the Good Ship Sick and Wrong**

Kim's back early from a mission. She just wants a nice, quiet, relaxing evening at home. Is she going to get it? What do you think, with a title like this? Not Kigo, not really.

* * *

Kim winced a bit as she walked, a little stiffly, through the front door of her house. Good thing Dementor's latest scheme in the depths of the Himalayas had fizzled out so quickly. Those wiener dogs could really knock you around if you weren't watching closely enough. Kim had decided to skip visiting the Great Wall and just go home a day early. All she wanted was to take a long hot bath and relax with her family.

She froze, though, when she heard a very familiar laugh coming from - her parent's room? Oh crap. Shego was doing kidnapping now? Kim instantly shifted into mission mode, all aches and pains forgotten as she bolted upstairs and smashed through the bedroom door. "Dammit, Shego! I'm gonna..." she screamed, then went silent. You need a functioning brain to form speech, and Kim's was now in complete shutdown.

"Hi, Princess! Did ya have a good day saving the world?", Shego asked with an extra-heavy dose of smirk in her voice.

"..." Kim's brainlocked goggling was interrupted by a new voice.

"Ehh, heh heh. Ah, hi Kimmie. You're back early. Erm. You said you wouldn't be done until tomorrow..." Her mother's face was even redder than her hair. Kim was pretty sure that not all of the woman's lack of composure was due to embarrassment, though, since she didn't seem to be wearing any clothes. Which made some twisted kind of sense, since Shego wasn't wearing any, either. No, a green strapon *definitely* didn't count as clothing.

"Like what you see, Pumpkin? Eyes are up here, you know."

Kim was having trouble moving away from the sight of Shego's nipples. Of course they'd be dark green, some faraway part of Kim's brain told her. But were they always so puffy, though? Kim gulped, the most functional response that had come through her mouth yet.

Kim suddenly needed to look anywhere else. Unfortunately, her eyes were caught by the sight of a familiar object on the floor. "Are... Are those my cargo pants?", Kim sputtered, the magnitude of the sitch starting to seep in.

"Don't be silly, sweetheart", her mother replied in a much too calm voice. "I think I'm a few sizes bigger than you. I do seem to have ruined one of your tops, though. Heh. Sorry. I really thought it would be stretchier.", she continued, trailing off in thought.

"Ya know, Mrs. Dr. P, it looked pretty hot on you, just barely covering your boobies like that. Shame I had to burn it off. At least the sidekick's clothes fit better." Shego's smirk had turned positively lustful, and it was now aimed fully at Anne Possible.

"SHEGO! That's my..." Kim's now-murderous rage was interrupted by the words she had just parsed.

The sidekick? Ron? "RON! RON STOPPABLE! Get your ass up here RIGHT now!" Kim re-focused her rage on the uncomfortable-looking lump that she now noticed quivering under the other side of the bedcovers. Damnit, he'd said he had the flu. He had lied to her and blown her off to do perverted, wrongsick things with their arch-enemy AND HER MOTHER! Kim was definitely starting to reconsider the whole "hero" thing and thinking seriously about a life of crime. Specifically, aggravated assault and murder. With a side order of torture, starting with her ex-best friend and that evil green bitch.

If Kim had thought her poor psyche could not possibly suffer any more abuse, she was about to be proved wrong. "Hey, Kimmie-cub! How was the mission?" Dr. James Possible, jaunty in an extra-large jersey but without any pants, apparently (those were on the floor too, along with his underwear, Kim dully realized), popped cheerfully if a little sheepishly up from under the comforter to face his daughter. Kim's momentary relief that this was not Ron was completely destroyed by the sight of her father and what he was holding in his hand.

"Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god..." This was a nice mantra, Kim decided. She would keep repeating it until all the horrors she had just seen went away and she could just rock back and forth in a fetal position for the rest of her life. But first she had to say something about this final indignity.

"My... My... My PANDAROO!", she managed, before bursting out in tears.  
"Sorry, Kimmie-cub, but there wasn't time to get to the Cuddle Buddy store."  
"Don't worry, sweetheart. It's washable - I checked."

Kim's breakdown was interrupted by her Kimmunicator. Unfortunately, it was not in her pocket. "I'll get it!", Anne called out, fishing under the blankets for the source of the sound.

"Nooooooooooooooooo!"

* * *

**A/N:**

I was going along, trying to think of the wrongest possible KP pairings, when this appeared in my head. Unfortunately, I was driving at the time, which was a problem, because I could not stop laughing. Yes, I am a deeply disturbed individual.

At least I didn't use the line I originally had: "You know, Pumpkin, it's all pink on the inside." And if you recognize *that* reference, you win a grande-sized absolutely nothing. And you're old. And maybe a pervert.

Perverted or not, you can leave a review. It would make me smile.

* * *

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own anything Kim Possible related. You should know this.


End file.
